In everything there is light and darkness, this may be too dark for some, for those few I will remind you these are words and although some of it may have some correlation rest assured life ever does go on.
There is a hole in my chest, a cavity , where my heart once used to be , it seems even after you have had it removed from thine own chest you can still feel the pain caused by another. It radiates agony and regret, burning from within causing emotional turmoil. This turmoil spirals into other emotions such as anger an sadness, the memories of what used to be cut deep over and over. Although one cannot see these cuts they know they exist as we all have them , and like anyone else we try ever so hard to hide our scars and clean the battle wounds as they happen so as to not seem so weak. It is in fact easy for a person while in the company of others to simply put on a mask and say I am ok , be it a matter of pride or the thought of one thinking it matters not to the rest of the world all the same it makes no difference to what we truly hold inside . And what is it in fact at that moment we are holding inside ?
I cannot speak for everyone , I can only speak on my own behalf…
I hold pain and suffering ,the anger of the mistreated lost and forgotten.Regret for not running away sooner. Jealousy for the time that has Ben stolen from me that I wish I could give to another because it is clear that events that have shaped and made me, mean nothing to those I surround myself with.My fear grows with each and every passing day as I know that we are all living on borrowed time and there are not enough hours in a day for me to make moments and memories with the people that I want to . Be it for my own personal reasons or just for the lack of knowledge and care on behalf of others . It is hard starting over , getting to know new people and trying to come up with mutual flowing conversations so as to build a better foundation to stand on and relate more to the similarities then differences and space that divides each and every one of us,
At this stage in my life I find myself wishing that I could have in depth conversations about events that have made me to the person I am today. I reminisce about the previous years thinking about the ones that truly know me and know my story. I find myself wishing that others knew much more about me,and I about them so we could have a better understanding all around. My reasons and answers , my likes and dislikes , my thoughts hopes and dreams and theirs as well. They say that knowledge grants a person the power to understand things better , see people in a different light , bridge the gap that has Ben long needing to be filled. How does one gain such knowledge. My first guess would be asking , but there are more ways then just that. Time , watching, observing, listening and of course researching other similar situations.
I feel as if I am simply here in the now walking amongst the living yet smaller parts of myself feel dead. So much as if I am a shade living between both worlds communing with the living and still holding onto the dead memories and all the what ifs. It is a feeling I struggle with each and every waking day only to be haunted yet again each night as I sit in silence in this room surrounded by these four walls. I wish in fact I could cry out, manipulate my emotions to force them to release all that I have bottled up inside . It is no easy task letting go of things that have kept you alive for so long.
The fight we all carry within , the anger we all hide behind our smiles, the truth in every syllable that we speak wether obvious or not, the care and devotion between family and the loyalty that should follow along , the mistakes we know we make right after we blurt them out and the pride that prevents us from admitting we shouldn’t have spoke that way, the knowledge of many diverse subjects and the lack of questioning the history and abilities as well as full capabilities of others we hold dear or so ever claim to . All this and much more has become a radiating swirl within my mind and there has yet to be a resolve , will I ever gain the knowledge or the answers , or the time or have the better felt emotions . Will my mark be left properly or will it just fade out of space and time .
The only way to see is to continue stepping forward , for some this means leaving you behind with your unsettling words and your selfish intentions , you will receive the same care thought and manner you give out, no one is owed anything we are born with nothing and we will leave this life with nothing but the memories we have made. For the rest I hope that you are able to keep up as I am traveling very fast, my reason is that I do not have the time that I wish I had. Nor does anyone .
I am simple yet complex , I care not what you wear what you own how much money you have . I simply remove the material items you have attained in this life , it is little compared to the larger picture ,I care how you treat me and other people , I care how you speak to me and those who are loyal to me , I care more about the feelings you make within me and the memories you chose to share as it is a gift that has no value cause with it comes the knowledge and better understanding,i am looking for. I gave up a lot to come to where I am now in this life , and some moments I am saddened by the things and people I left behind for I didn’t know them as well as I thought I did and as for my new start , my expectations of what I might have found on this journey are unraveling faster each day,some have exceeded where others are struggling.
Pride and ego become your worst enemy in the darkest of times . There is but one thing a person can do change themself for the better admit mistakes let go of greed and jealousy , only then will the wheel spin round and life roll forward as it should.
Now I strike the match and light the candles , as a storm is coming ,
I have said much more than is comprehensible for many I’m sure but if you read it enough you might just let yourself free enough to understand.