Here again in a round about way…¬†

I have no idea what is going on upstairs …. Let me,just start by saying it is a little past 3 am and I am holed up on my couch.I had every intention of being fast asleep by this ridiculous moment(insert animalistic growl here) I should be sleeping of course after the busy evening shift I had at work, I am tired . So I come home eat something light and change out of work clothes into something a little more relaxing, this usually consists of sweatpants, or gym shorts,  with a cutoff sleeve shirt , tank top, or beater, and a hoodie as it has been quite chilly as of late. No not all items are worn each night , how nuts do you think I am gym shorts over sweat pants (not even on laundry day).I  do my nightly routines and to the couch I go to hopefully fall asleep. Why the couch and not the bed? , that is a very good question. Im not quite entirely sure when it started exactly , but all I can say is that the couch has been the resting place now for the better part of the last 5 months . Try hard as I may to fall asleep in my bed I cant. My brain lately has been way to active , I dont know wether its because my brain has gotten so used to running at high speed due to staffing issues at work for the last 3+ months and I’m that used  to being on the go or weather im running out of storage space up there and my brain is trying to vomit everything out, all when my body stops moving . It is frustrating , I know there are people out there that suffer from insomnia , I refuse to believe that I am one of them . It isn’t a caffine issue as I have cut back tremendously on that intake . so lets clear some junk out ….

Technical difficulties ….

So the other night long story short my phone updates …… And crashes …. Loop reboot is what its called , phone comes on ….welcome screen comes on…. phone goes dark… Take battery out restart…. Phone comes on…. Welcome screen comes on…. Phone goes dark… So as my anxiety level (steady on the rise) hits an all time record at what I could only possible believe to be between the hours of 830pm(last time I looked at the clock at my brothers house before returning home)  and 5am( as I hadn’t seen any head lights cross my kitchen window so I knew my dad was still home early riser for work and all)  i said screw it . Sat down on my couch and listened to silence , thoughts raced yet again from there . I have no link to the outside , no link to family, no connection with friends , no social media, no videos to watch on my phone , no way to call for help in an emergency , straight up static. That’s not really the worst part. I can do without social media and vlogs I watch online for the record , I cannot do without being able to connect to my everyday people (we all have those people we connect with on an everyday /every other/ every 3 daybasis you know the type and get where I’m going ) move along shall we, I force myself to go to sleep although at that moment I have no idea what time it is , I don’t have an alarm clock other than my phone , I dont live in the city anymore and can’t make a gestimation about what time it may be due to what’s going on outside my apartment window, no apartments in the country,  no neighbors I could bother at that time either as I pretty much stick to myself as my family lives across the paved road from me and I knew everyone was in bed so no luck there either .  I wake up shoot up off the couch and head over to my dads house ( yet again just a short walk from my place) I see he’s home ask him the time cause I work at 3pm and need to get the phone with figured out , head to my phone company , apparently I’m not the only one its happened to , glad to know I’m not the only lucky one . so I end up getting a completely new phone , up side COMMUNICATIONS BACK UP AND RUNNING !!! Down side , if youve been following along on my adventure known as life , you may recall me having moved not too long ago from a city in North Dakota , to the back woods of Southeast Georgia. I have been here a little over one full year and in that time I have had many cherishable moments that were of course photo opportunity moments so I had many photos on my phone, not backed up as I didnt have a constant Wi-Fi connection . Translation… My first year photos all gone just about as fast as I experienced the places and things and I guess that’s that.  No getting them back only starting over fresh again so I guess let the adventures begin again… But for now I think sleep as its 4:11am now , typing on your phone really does take longer then typing on a key board.

Random I know , just go with it I know I’ve learned to . 

L.C.

Inner thoughts and feelings and realization 

In everything there is light and darkness, this may be too dark for some, for those few I will remind you these are words and although some of it may have some correlation rest assured life ever does go on. 

There is a hole in my chest, a cavity , where my heart once used to be , it seems even after you have had it removed from thine own chest you can still feel the pain caused by another. It radiates agony and regret, burning from within causing emotional turmoil. This turmoil spirals into other emotions such as anger an sadness, the memories of what used to be cut deep over and over. Although one cannot see these cuts they know they exist as we all have them , and like anyone else we try ever so hard to hide our scars and clean the battle wounds as they happen so as to not seem so weak. It is in fact easy for a person while in the company of others to simply put on a mask and say I am ok , be it a matter of pride or the thought of one thinking it matters not to the rest of the world all the same it makes no difference to what we truly hold inside . And what is it in fact at that moment we are holding inside ?

I cannot speak for everyone , I can only speak on my own behalf…

I hold pain and suffering ,the anger of the mistreated lost and forgotten.Regret for not running away sooner. Jealousy for the time that has Ben stolen from me that I wish I could give to another because it is clear that events that have shaped and made me, mean nothing to those I surround myself with.My fear grows with each and every passing day as I know that we are all living on borrowed time and there are not enough hours in a day for me to make moments and memories with the people that I want to . Be it for my own personal reasons or just for the lack of knowledge and care on behalf of others . It is hard starting over , getting to know new people and trying to come up with mutual flowing  conversations so as to build a better foundation to stand on and relate  more to the similarities  then differences and space that divides each and every one of us, 

At this stage in my life I find myself wishing that I could have in depth conversations about events that have made me to the person I am today. I reminisce about the previous years thinking about the ones that truly know me and know my story. I find myself wishing that others knew much more about me,and I about them so we could have a better understanding all around. My reasons and answers , my likes and dislikes , my thoughts hopes and dreams and theirs as well. They say that knowledge grants a person the power to understand things better , see people in a different light , bridge the gap that has Ben long needing to be filled. How does one gain such knowledge. My first guess would be asking , but there are more ways then just that. Time , watching, observing, listening and of course researching other similar situations.

I feel as if I am simply here in the now walking amongst the living yet smaller parts of myself feel dead. So much as if I am a shade living between both worlds communing with the living and still holding onto the dead memories and all the what ifs. It is a feeling I struggle with each and every waking day only to be haunted yet again each night as I sit in silence in this room surrounded by these four walls. I wish in fact I could cry out, manipulate my emotions to force them to release all that I have bottled up inside . It is no easy task letting go of things  that have kept you alive for so long. 

The fight we all carry within , the anger we all hide behind our smiles, the truth in every syllable that we speak wether obvious or not, the care and devotion between family and the loyalty that should follow along , the mistakes we know we make right after we blurt them out and the pride that prevents us from admitting we shouldn’t have spoke that way, the knowledge of many diverse subjects and the lack of questioning the history and abilities as well as full capabilities of others we hold dear or so ever claim to . All this and much more has become a radiating swirl within my mind and there has yet to be a resolve , will I ever gain the knowledge or the answers , or the time or have the better felt emotions . Will my mark be left properly or will it just fade out of space and time .

The only way to see is to continue stepping forward , for some this means leaving you behind with your unsettling words and your selfish intentions , you will receive the same care thought and manner you give out, no one is owed anything we are born with nothing and we will leave this life with nothing but the memories we have made. For the rest I hope that you are able to keep up as I am traveling very fast, my reason is that I do not have the time that I wish I had. Nor does anyone .

I am simple yet complex , I care not what you wear what you own how much money you have . I simply remove the material items you have attained in this life , it is little compared to the larger picture ,I care  how you treat me and other people , I care how you speak to me and those who are loyal to me , I care more about the feelings you make within me and the memories you chose to share as it is a gift that has no value cause with it comes the knowledge and better understanding,i am looking for. I gave up a lot to come to where I am now in this life , and some moments I am saddened by the things and people I left behind for I didn’t know them as well as I thought I did and as for my new start , my expectations of what I might have found on this journey are unraveling faster each day,some have exceeded where others are struggling. 

Pride and ego become your worst enemy in the darkest of times . There is but one thing a person can do change themself for the better admit mistakes let go of greed and jealousy , only then will the wheel spin round and life roll forward as it should. 

Now I strike the match and light the candles , as a storm is coming ,

I have said much more than is comprehensible for many I’m sure but if you read it enough you might just let yourself free enough to understand.

L.C

A world within a tear drop,

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I will start by drying my eyes , an simply state that I miss a few things, I’m beginning to realize a few things also.

The words don’t seem to want to flow…
Well here goes …

As the rain falls down around outside in the cool georgia air, my mind wanders. I think a lot about how I got here and the people that helped to make it possible with positive feedback and a helpful nudge saying “Go for it”, I miss them immensely they are few yet very important. Prior to moving to this warm state I had spent the last 10 years of my life working hard to make something of myself my surroundings and everyone in it. Keep in mind I was successful in all of it 100%. Having been so successful I surrounded myself with a magnitude of light as well as positive energy (should have bottled some of it for the road I guess) and the occasional wicked dark moment a time or two , strictly fun nothing to crazy. Let me say before it gets any further into anyone’s head I do not regret my decision to move here. The place I left from I had achieved all that I wanted. I didn’t really see myself moving up any higher or getting any further with anyone or anything that much became clear in the end. Don’t get me wrong I had people that would lay down and die in my place, people who had a complete sense of honor and loyalty no matter what the situation was and I would have done the same for them. I completed structure and a tight loyal network of diverse people to spend my time with. Being the social person that I am, once the walls break down I guess you could say, you can see how that is a mandatory thing in my life. No other way about it . Recently, day after day, my mind has Been flooded. I miss the loyal few who made it a point to not only show their importance to me but make my importance known as well. People that could read me within minutes of seeing me and know that something was lying underneath the surface. No matter how far away they had travelled , it really was a coast to coast type of thing. Don’t get me wrong these people didn’t try to pick me apart or analyze the situation they were just there with a lending ear and a silent mouth until called for advice . These people I call my friends the ones I didn’t have to work so hard at gaining a relationship with , because we just fell into place even tho we all were quite very different . We had our similarities too of that you can be sure ,it’s hard starting over trust me I miss you all, your Chinese words of wisdom , your spiritual likeness and guidance, the coffee and brunch dates with you and your parents and staying on the phone for 2 or more hours not even knowing it. The important sit downs that we had to fix many problems and situations.I miss the feeling of purpose that came along with it all , the feeling of belonging , more than all that I miss having the oppourtunity to make more joyous memories with the really good people I left behind , I hold you all on a pedestal. It is starting to look much harder to attain the same relationships and situations on my new found adventure at this stage in my life in this new place. Don’t worry I will not be defeated , plan A B,C, remember.

What im feeling at this moment in this time I’m told is normal. Psychologically I know its normal it’s actually a bitter fact constantly being shoved in my face just like everyone else’s past, it is part of the moving forward progress.

A person having uprooted their entire life, left the home they tried so hard to make, thrown out all the security strived for over the years, left behind best friends and chosen family & relationships, to start completely all over. For a hope of a better tomorrow and relationships with long lost family. I will restate, a person being me, should feel some sort of alone ness. A feeling of displacement more than washes over me from time to time as well as great sadness follows as all of my ideas of what life away from all of those chosen people would be like comes to light. You see in the place I left to come here I had stability a full time job one I worked my ass off to attain because I was passionate about the line of work, people that surrounded me in a positive manor , I fit in , I wasn’t looked at differently for what I knew or what I didn’t know don’t get me wrong I know much more than I allow people to see that’s always Ben a gift of mine yet I’m still willing to learn a few things I don’t have a clue about , that’s part of the experience of life your never done learning .At a single moment in time it is different than what I thought it would be, I knew that before stepping out with my bags packed, now where did I set that grain of salt? Ah yes over my left shoulder . There really isn’t any way to prepare for that road ahead, the emotions, events, and bumps that are along that road hit you like bricks. I’m not sure if one single person can ever fully prepare themself for the mental battle that wages in their head when two different world’s collide, nor do I think it’s possible for anyone to comprehend what a person may be going threw ,whilst never having experienced that situation having left everything on a hope, fully an completely while trying to live their own life to the fullest . It may be possible I guess but it is simply to hard for me to conceive right now . It seems I’m winning a losing battle in what presentation made me think. I’m a firm believer in doing what you say you’re going to do it shows character, what a person is made out of inside. It shows they respect themself enough to follow through with not only the words but the actions as well, the lack there of can show a great deal, not necessarily in anyone’s favor. Leading an image to become easily misunderstood. Life really isn’t just as simple as saying the words , your actions must back up the statement. I have exhausted all my resources looking in one area of my life and I have done all the necessary steps there is no trying harder and you may look down on me if you like but rest assured when I’m back on top and one day I will be, there are many that will be beneath me after all, positions change many times in a person’s life, you will wonder where all the time went, I’ll tell you ahead of time it went to strategic planning sitting alone being different paving the way forward , you see that’s what I always do think out the steps and extensive decision planning not just one out come but all outcomes . I always follow threw with my words after all life has shown me that my words and my actions are all that I have had . and those simple things have brought me to this defining moment.

I’ve cleared my head a little for now I’m sure I will have much more to release again soon as the pressure just keeps building as my stress level seems to maintain ,

I was simply craving to let it out ,

Self Destruct

Heart beat… breathe……

No pulse… I feel lifeless bound by so much hate that the darkness is taking over . I cannot run from it nor hide . It’s taken a hold of me dug its thorns into my soul .Changing me moment by moment the bitterness grows . I want to burn everything down,seek revenge, destroy everything in my path . Retreat to some dark desolate forest where no one will be able to reach my tattered heart that barely beats beneath my skin . I am so far gone that I am unreachable even to your eyes. The damage is done there’s no taking it back . I care not for anyone or anything that has to do with you , you have burned me to ash , there is no joy no love only a heart full of mourning , but still some sad lingering emotion. The anger fills me until I cry out to the night sky. Wishing I could erase every wrong deed done to me . Take back the hatred pulsing threw my veins . In this moment I know it’s time to move on . Taking the first step is the hardest . It is a step away from you, yet one long overdue. One who I cared so much for, gave so much for, tried so hard for an all I have to show for it is a hole in the middle of my chest where my heart used to be . I used to be so full of light , but now it seems the dark out weighs the light , where there is light there is darkness one cannot exist without the other . Tonight I purge any lingering emotions I have for you. I shall embrace the darkness an succumb to my inner beast. I will sit back an continue to watch you destroy yourself… after all it is what you are best at.

Within My thoughts.

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Allow me to give you a mental image. From a secure location within my mind.

There is a old wooden door . Light slowly flitering around the cracks of the door. This is the entrance to my sanctuary although some may call it a haven the room is filled with lit candles a table off the center of the room with two chairs. A bed to the corner the fabric adorned with beaded stars. a chest at the foot. Draped with a Celtic Tapestry .Herbs are hanging above the fireplace drying in the dim light. The Shelves here lined with books of old and dust. Oak Cabinets off to one side . The smell of Sandlewood looms in the air. The Floor Hard aged wood inscribed with runes barely visible in its darkness. Behind you near the door a Wicker Broom . Shadows dance across the walls as if the flames had minds of their own. A small window to the north , left open to let the cool gentle breeze an the smell of wildflowers, flax, an rosemary drift in. Some blessed stepping stones placed outside my gate to lead you back off the meadow and back into the deep dark forest with only the moonlight to guide your way. There is no way to express the feeling this place gives a person. Each and every individual person gets a different feeling, tho i know not in what way it affects them,i know its power takes over. This is my hiding place where I am free from the prisoning world. When I visit this place I keep locked inside me I am truly free. No one or nothing can hold me down . None of life’s worries can follow me here . This is the place I work my spells from ,I rest when I’m tired , the place I run to when the real world is burning down around me and I need to simply get away. This is the place I call home an it truly is where my heart is kept.

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Early thoughts for the holiday every mother waits for

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Let me just start by breathing before I really delve into this ….. Inhale….. Hold …2….3…. Exhale .( I miss you )
In all my years growing up I learned a lot from my mother. She taught me its ok for Lil boys to cry. She knew from that first rugged asphalt scrap ,her cherished little boy lost ,this was gonna be a bumpy road . An in our house we were prolly gonna need a lot of bandages first aid ointment an peroxide. She told me I can’t just lay there an cry cause the road isn’t ever gonna end an one day when I’m on my own there won’t be anyone to pick me up (you were right ) I didn’t understand what she ment at the time but I got up anyway brushed myself off an moments later I was back running my pants off . Flash forward . My mother an I didn’t always quite see eye to eye we fought like siblings to say the least said a lot of hateful things to each other ( I still regret every thing ) when final statements came down it went a little like this “I’m old enough to make my own decisions ” . she replied ” if you just here me out an quit interrupting me ” but I wouldn’t hear it ,to damn stubborn for my own good finally the infamous ” I hate you ! ” screamed from my lips an in a loving motherly whisper she would always say ” I’m sorry you feel that way but you’ll miss me when I’m gone” ( your right I do ) . She always seemed to have it all figured out a master plan for every possible thing . I had my own visions of they way I wanted things . Even at the young age of 16 when I thought I was always right my mom taught me you can still be wrong . She lifted the curfew on week nights . Pretty soon I found my self sleeping in class an unable to focus. An sure enough the grades dropped an back in set the early curfew. she said ” we tried it your way now we have to do it mine ” she was right . Flash forward ……. Argument after argument directed me to get my own place I was 20 an At that age every young man should be living by his own rules right? Well I fell on my face the first year jobless to no avail . My mother helped me even as if I was still living under her roof ( thank you) . what ever I needed mom was the go to , grocery store , bank, therapist, doctor, my everything . … I need to pause an collect myself …..finally a job came along ,the joy an look of a proud mother shined on me for days . I was on cloud nine as the next year went by I found my self needing things from my mother less an less. Some might call it growing up. Coming of age or what have you. An the news of the cancer ( fuck you cancer ) came an my world was rocked . I felt like a little kid again that had fallen on the asphalt but only this time I wasn’t the only one who needed picked up. ( I tried to lift you ) one day at a time was the theme that our lives began to take. It was not easy. I regretted a lot of things then . My mom an I sat down out back underneath the blossom tree an a wave of apologies came flowing out of my mouth. All was forgiven that day but the pain an regret still lay under My skin even now years later.
Death came an stole something very important to me ….. Something that was impossible to replace. There is no way to get it back . ( I’m still dealing with it while your around in spirit ) I’ve begun to piece my life together however painful it may be . But this Mother’s Day I hope is blessed for every one who still has there mother as well for every mother out there. Because I truly miss mine an I hope where ever you may be this letter finds you well I’m sorry I haven’t the strength to write more but near an far ,ocean to galley
Hugs Will

part 1……… random rant

Ok so as I emerge from under my covers to tell you what’s running threw my brain, so that I might possible get some sleep let me start by saying Its just not fucking necessary…….. Now let’s move on shall we. I’ve made many achievements this last year. More than I care to list really. But to name a few I’ve become a little more financially stable , I changed my career to the job I’ve ben wanting for a long time, I also have learned to love myself more. All of which are positive things. Now don’t get me wrong I am not the almighty powerful enlightened guru of positivness you’ve been searching for at the end of the yellow brick road . I’d just asoon drop a house on your ass then help brighten your day. Nor am I that beacon leading you up an out of the rabbit hole your dumbass triped an fell into …….”stupid girl/ boy”…. Watch where the hell your going next time. Ok as of late I find myself getting very hot tempered . Perhaps as each year I get older I realize how much peoples ignorance really pisses me of.
work related : I’ve said it befor now ill say it again I am not unprofessional in any way…. Dare to test me again and perhaps you might just find yourself jobless . I may be young an new to the medical field but I am no idiot I took the same class you did an I make the same as you do. So step off or get bent.

    On love

your a very touchy subject for me because yes I still hold some emotions for you no matter what goes on threw out my day your my last thought and first each an every day. Its complicated , best way to describe it, as we get older in this life somehow we seem to keep getting busier an busier an I fear we are slipping further an further apart yet ! I cannot seem to find away around this . Now I’m not saying what I’m getting isn’t enough because some of your time is better than none of your time but I’d like to have more quality time then wasted time if that makes sense we spend so much time apart that its hard to stay apart of a life your only hanging by a thread in. I used to get texts goodnight and I miss you now it could go days before word comes . As if the message was being carried by a pigeon. Perhaps it really is finally time I packed my things an left. more on this later I’m sure

Break for butterscotch pie

Now where was I…….. Ahh moving on….. Whoooo hoooo mental train wreck waiting to happen. Its now 2:25AM I’ve cleared. Some of my brain so I should try to get some sleep ….. Thank you for joining the moderately strange endless rant of a sleepless guy. P.s I will continue this ramble another time I’m sure.

Age old wisdom

Now again I find myself fighting to go to sleep yet I cannot my brain racked with the events that have passed on these past couple of days. I search for answers to question I really don’t need to know , but I’d like some clarification as to what the hell is going on. It hurts to much to let go of all the memories you’ve made with someone yet it hurts even more to try to begin to love yet again. They always say when one door closes another one will open but what happens when you truly don’t want the door to close. Closing the door seems to final for Me.. Its not that I don’t value the memories its the fact that I want to make more memories. I’m not ready to give up on the only thing I’ve. Ever truly whole heartedly. It seems shallow of me to simply turn my back an walk away no matter how toxic it may be. I’ve never ben the one to run an hide nor just turn my emotions off. Even when I’ve dropped off the face of this world there were still some smidgen of emotion there. A tiny thin silver thread that would lead you back to me. It is impossible to think what you or I would be like if we hadn’t met each other it is also irresponsible to throw it all out the car window as I’m doing 150 down this highway of life.. You have touched my soul and tattooed it forever leaving a mark to show the impact you’ve had on me an. I the same an as our journeys take us forward that mark will stay with us all threw our years an I know that no matter where I am. Or what im doing I would Drop everything within reason to be right next to you. Well enough late night thoughts. I hope your sleeping well.

near an dear to me.

Something booms within my head, a mirror glimpse of where I’ve ben. I struggle to find a common ground that’s safe to lay my head upon. There seems to be no comfort found within, no place to seek shelter from the bitter cold flowing threw these veins. My mortal tears seem to have turned to complete ash. I can find no resolution between you or I, nor does it seem as if we are moving forward. Yet again this is the closest you an I have ever ben. Before, I a slight light within your darkest days , on the other hand you a smidgen of oil in a glass of milk. A repeating cycle of dire needs an physical emotions, I stood a monolith within your realm of pain lies an mistreatment, a image of light beyond any measure you had ever laid your eyes upon. One who showed an undying trust an loyalty to one who was as young as you. The treatment of one as an equal. Even though my wisdom far exceeded yours. The patients and kindness of a saint even when pricked by ill mannered thorns . The option of choice an decision always given before personal preference. A mere casualty to my own feelings. Dismembered from my own course of action. And still I have arisen and over come an conquered all , the entire time holding one thread of emotion left within towards A hope of you becoming what you were always ment to be. Be it in my life or not . For some reason I don’t know why you come back to me , but I thank the gods everytime you do . For we are blessed to have each other after all that we have survived. Lifes hardships are unnumbered . So I count my blessings that your heart still beats as mine does an until darkest sleep comes I shall continue to pray for your happiness. Even though not all the joys are shared with me. I consider myself lucky that. Your still near an dear to me….