In and out of thought and time

Your pulling me back in again yet pushing me away as well. Within my thoughts , I find myself going threw a roller coaster of emotions. This is not where I want to be mentally, can you hear the screams from past agonizing moments that I’ve dealt with. Not necessarily because of you. But because of this path I must walk. The words had Ben said many times but they fell on deaf ears . Now the words have become so thin they could be non existent. The emotions have left this hollow shell. A place inside where butterflies used to flow threw a meadow now has become a desolate grave site. Each night I rise up out a grave sleepless and cold . Walk amongst the ghosts of all my previous memories. Occasionally finding myself wishing I could go back to a certain moment. Where I felt something for you. I know I felt something at sometime. I know not when I lost my emotions or what it felt to feel them. But I do recall having them. Perhaps the distance took them from me , locked them away so as to make a mockery of my prior actions. You speak words of kindness to me , tell me sweet nothings , so as to say everything will go back to the way it was before. You an I know that thought is pleasant but it is a thought that is in the distance. It is unreachable even to me how ever great my wings may be even spread to there greatest length . You have started another life. One where I do not fit in where I once wanted to. Not saying I don’t want to be . Just saying I’m complicated an can only complicate matters further. As I pass threw all the ethereal memories I see my mistakes but cannot take them back. No high magick can change the events past. I wish I knew a way to change things between you an I . Take the pain, mistakes, burdens struggles out. But I cannot you are the only one who seems to know a way back. I haven’t figured out how this is but you seem to know all the answers…… As I come to the end of the graves I see the open gates of the cemetary an a long road ahead of me . My mind body an soul struggle to decide whether to pass through knowing if I do the gates will close behind me, perhaps leaving you an every thought of you inside. At this moment in time I am lost an wandering….. But I do miss you…..

A three edged blade…

Tags

Anger, death, do's an dont's, Emotions, Family, lifes ups an downs, Love, PAIN, remorse, right an wrong

Ok let me start by saying that this is just my opinion and under no circumstances should anything I write here be taken to lightly or two hard .

Now let me begin by stating that the past five days have all went fairly fast but I don’t regret going to a different town to see my family. I enjoyed having the opportunity to be with my chosen family . Now let me specify that this blog will touch on some very touchy subjects about some of my siblings. I would like to say right now because I know you will be reading this. I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH DUE TO ME NOT HAVING VERY MUCH FAMILY.

The girl I used to know- I used to know girl who was very kind and respectful one who had Ben threw so much and still smiled . Was always appreciative of the kindness showed to her. One who not only loved but spread the joy and feeling of Love throughout a room no matter how large or how many people were in it. One you asked when they needed help rather than telling someone to do something . A girl who would paint for hours just to repaint months later. One who was artistic and noble as well as free spirited and fun.

I used to know a boy- I used to know a boy who was funny. Helpful and respectful who cared what others thought. One who enjoyed the simpler things in life the simple conversations one would have together the joys of different types of music as well as similar kinds. One who was not so built up by everyday life carefree and joys.

Now let me begin. By saying no one is ever completly right. Stress can do many things to people. Example breaking a glass and being upset does not give you the right to tell another person to shut up because they didn’t hear what you said you broke in front of your children. Stress does not give you the right to scream at someone to wake them up. It does not give you the right to boss people around. And tell them well because I did it last time you can do it this time . ( the better option would be there is shit on the wall do you want to bath the kid or clean up the shit ). What is best for the kids is team work . Now with that being Said it doesn’t matter who does what the fact of the matter is it gets done . You both are influenced on those children they see you an everything they do . They Learn “shut up” from you. Because your screaming it at each other. Neither of you are willing to see each others side because you both push the limits. One waits to the last min and the other wants done immediately. This does not work. Sitting around all day watching TV or playing with electronics doesn’t get the job done we live in a age where children are developing quicker. We teach them .

Stress does not give you the right to. Treat a guest in your home like they are. Someone who lives within the space. Whether they are family or not . I’m 26 going on 27 you do not tell me I need you to do this or that. You may ask me. If I would like to do something. I am generous person I would give someone the shirt off my back. Or if it would be possible to make sure if I so chose Believe everyone has to eat and I will have it done at a sufficient time where it pleases everyone.. I’m a cooker ok. Now when I have spent an hour cooking and am a guest in your home bought everything I needed to make with my own money when its done and I say its time to eat I mean it not 15 mins later. ( where I come from the cook cooks feeds the kids and makes sure everyone else has gotten their food then the cook sits down to eat . 15 mins after the food is done it starts to cool. I know most people don’t like to Eat cold food . I’m one of them. I didn’t feel to appreciated accept from a nanna and a seventeen year old and a one an two year old who said thank you so very much every time a meal was made. Even down to the bagel I brought for breakfast. Now that’s manners. I was a guest and thank you was first priority. I wasn’t thanked for anything until I got home from either one of you not for helping with poo dipers bottles or nothing. Till I got home… From EITHER OF YOU……… THE PARENTS…….Where is the love an manners even if it tasted horrible food is passion of mine and It upset me.

Now it takes two people to make children … With that being said it takes two to raise them. That means two to share the everyday task they need. To make them grow up to be good people. It takes a lot to raise two children to much for one person to do the majority of the work it took two people to make them it takes two people to care for them.

Now this is going to be touchy. I do not appreciate waking up early on my days off especially to the sound of one saying .Get up you know In the last month you’ve gotten away with more shit then I ever did as a kid. ” this is b.s. We got away with a lot as kids. Sneeking outuntil three or four in the morning and drinking and making it back home before the parents had to get up for work. Running threw the cort all hours of the night chanting in the green getting tats an peircings etc . You forcing someone to go to church is not going to make them want to go. Its only going to make them run . Now we are going to address religion.

Religion is a touchy subject. One where no one can judge not your god or my gods or goddesses . Who’s to say who is lost and who isn’t I don’t understand how its possible to say that. Christians do not harp on buddists but they say any religion that is different is not right. Christians are the biggest hippicritical religious faction I have come across. If your gay your going to hell if your having a child out of wedlock the child is damned if you don’t go to chur h its a sin if you drink its a sin etc. Stop it . If its all wrong why were we givin free will. So we could make our lives our own. Now my religion is a part of my life I show it I’m proud of it there is a community here. And I am very open about it some are not they are very quiet about it snd keep it to themselves perhaps that’s the way they like it not all pagan people discuss their religion in the old days they were burned for discussing it so if one wants to keep it to themself I don’t blame them. They are not lost you chose them when you were ” lost”. But you wernt lost you were you

Being you is all you can be both of you have become very negative to each other. It is not ok to tell someone you love an care about to shut the fuck up…….. If my significant other told me that I’d knock their fucking teeth out. Just saying. You will respect me the person I am an the person I’ve become.

Counciling – I will admit I needed counciling after my mother died . It was a safe environment for Me to. Vent and have things. Put into a perspective that I was able to understand. I wasn’t judged for saying I tried to overdose that it was simply to much for me to handle . It was a necessity I’m glad I did it.

“You must live your lives the way you want not the way your past loved ones would have wanted you to.” Dr. E

You cannot change the ones you fell in love with to something they are not. You can how ever change youself wake the hell up grow up and do what it takes to get to the easier part of your parenting lives when school starts. It takes two. And I have seen that your children are starting to emotionally disconnect. I know neither of you want to lose your children emotionally. But you both have work to do . Pay attention to them it shouldn’t take them falling out a chair to get you to put the controller down. It shouldn’t take you trying to make everyone run on your time to get things done. Here is a Christian quote. ” god helps those who help them self”. As well as a pagan ” the gods favor those who are true to themselves”. So help each other you made this life now help make your kids make their life better. Treat others respectfully. Stop the teenage b.s. Your adults. So telling each other what to do as well as others in your ho,e is not healthy telleong somone to shut up is only making your life worse. And niether of you will make it alone. No I’m sure I’ve upset you both I do appoligize but this is how I feel and what I think. Your both being impossible and since that is a drastic word it will be impossible to fix things unless you work together. I suggest you both start working together now before you both end up alone. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t be alone they will an can lose emotions just like you too have begun to.

I love you both and this is how I feel .
P.s. Stop taking your frustrations out on other people I for one don’t think that’s healthy and for a seventeen year old girl its not right. Nor is it very welcoming. I’ve wrote enough I’m stressed about it I lost sleep about it last night and I’m sorry if this blog offends that’s not my intention you both have become two different people. And that’s weird to me I’ve changed to no one is innocent here but there is common courtesy….. So do what you have to but you both need to wake up fast an I’m hoping this will be a wake up call . I don’t know who you each have become…… But it isn’t either of you….. This message is not about more on one side than the other it is about both of you as a whole there isn’t more about one than the other. You know your faults you know what you should be doing so just do it. Your parents be parents responsible ones . Wake up.

Yawn.

Ok. So today was a busy day . I got a lot done pissed a couple people off said my peace. I simply don’t appreciate people who are hired to do a job they get paid to do a job but they simply lack the ability to do the job to the best of their ability due to the fact that they don’t try. It angers me so much that I have a pit in my stomach. My job is no ordinary job its one that takes some passion for. I am a housekeeper at my towns local hospital……. Now before I continue let me just say that housekeeping foe a personal home or office or even for a hotel is completely different than housekeeping for a hospital. My goal is to take care of the patients needs when it comes to cleanliness in patient rooms. My job is very important if I don’t get my job done there is no room for a patient to go so no nurse can do their job cause there is no patients, cna its the same heck if I don’t do my job the Dr. Doesn’t even get to do his. Now. With that said let me continue. Daily a term we housekeepers use quite often these are rooms that a patient is in. It must be cleaned everyday due to the fact that bacteria and viruses spread. All the hand contact areas must be wiped down as well as trash pulled and bathroom clean die to the fact the patient has been or will be in this room for the next 24 hours. unit a unit is a room that a patient has left due to being discharged because he/she is well enough to go back home an enjoy final stages of the short or however long road to recover . A unit must be completely stripped of all linen garbage , then it must be sanitized and cleaned for the next patient. This whole process is called a deep clean now some hospital rooms have two beds so one patient may be discharged at a time or maybe even both. Today however a room with two beds one daily the other a unit. I worked over the weekend. Had moday off. Worked Tuesday today while doing a unit I simply asked the patient if he/she mined if I cleaned up a bit on her side of the room she said no I wouldn’t mind at all I haven’t seen a houskeeper since you were here Sunday……… Now at this moment I am enraged . This room hasn’t been cleaned since I cleaned it two days ago. Due to someomes lack of pride in patient health aswell as their part on being plain lazy. So I made it a point to show her partner the board that must be dated and our name put on when we clean a daily it said my name with the date two days earlier . Th person in charge of doing the dailys was completely caught of guard we have Ben noticing this more frequently lately but couldn’t catch the person in the act . I plain to file a report about this incident due to carelessness its your job not an option. Its peoples health we are talking about not just taking out the trash . …… Do your damn job. !!!!!!!!!

so many thoughts

Today was a good day . However I found myself thinking a lot. My life has come a very long way . I am no longer the dramatic bitchy disrespectful person I used to be in my younger years. I know that now. Today I realized I am thankful for all the manners my elders taught me growing up. I realized today that when an adult offers a younger person advice , an they rudely roll their eyes and dis respectfully say ” um ya about that I’m going to have to decline ” with the attitude of someone who thinks that at their age they know it all, it really is like spitting in your elders face. I did a lot of such actions growing up thinking whatever I know better an that’s not what I want to do. I’m not exactly sure when or where my mentality turned to this older style. It took one person being rude to something I said when I wasn’t even speaking to them for me to start saying things my mother taught me when I was growing up. Such as children should be seen an not heard amongst adult conversations…… Yes I was blown away I mean I sounded just like her with the scolding tone of a 29 year old parent…. I was taken back. I know not when I started growing up but I like the fact that I’m not the same as I once was.
Now next I also thought about love. Yes its true even tho I can give a tounge lashing like no other, I still want love. Recently I took a non formal poll . I asked several people within my inner circle do you believe some people are destined to be alone and almost everyone said no. I simply don’t understand I’ve gotten my life on track got a hold on keeping drama out of my life an everything seems to be going ok for the most part . Then I get a feeling of being alone . Some say that ” even in a crowded room a person can feel alone no matter if you know everyone in the room” this is true I know I’m not alone but has love left me alone? “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is how to love an be loved back” moulin rouge. I know how to love but I fear I’ve never found the complete love of another.
NEXT.
Ok with the departer of my best friend moving to another town ill have more free time on my hands I’m not so sure that’s a good thing or not but I’m sure there will be more on that at a later date . I have told myself I’m going to write more . I feel I should right everyday . Well that’s all for now.
Recap. Realizing your getting more an more mature is a great feeling. Looking for love when its hiding is a bitch. Already missing your bestfriend before they have moved. Is tradgic . Remembering your loved from a person sitting in a higher place and watching your life unfold….. Priceless.

Strip

Tags

darkness, finding the light, Heartache, Letting Go, Love, moving forward, PAIN, poetry, separation

I had loved you for so long . Had cherished every moment we spent together. As the season changed so did you … aswell did my heart. The rains had filled up my mind. The visions of what once was, now simple cruel memories, could no longer be. I was beside myself with the little pieces of my heart that were as red rubies scattered across the cold hard floor. I screamed aloud because of the inner agony I was carrying. I was afraid of being alone yet again. But only this time I would be totally utterly alone. Everything that had taken place within the last five years of my life , everything I taught , everything I fought for , everything I loved, had all Ben stripped. Taken from me … and there was no getting it back, the damage had Ben done…. In the still of the night,  when I was alone, that was where I found my darkest hour. And not a single soul could hear my cries. Save but one. No comfort was given tho . While the world slept I wept. I believe I died that night. Lost all self control. Wished for her to take me. Beautiful goddess how can a heart handle so much?  I then knew what complete loss was. You never once made a significant notion that my importance still mattered.  Even still after I lost what gave me life .I could have ben a imaginative creature in your dreams.  A whisper on the wind.  I felt as if I was nothing. Like a displaced toy lost at the international air port , left behind and hardly missed , only to have ben replaced by something else. I was forced to let go and pass threw the light.  Oh how blinding the light can be . Like a bolt of mystical madness it washed me clean of you. I no longer felt the need to have you in my life . I cast the spell with perfect form. I was whole again .I no longer found myself heading down the same path you were. I was no longer drowning in the dark waters. I was free. Free to be me and live. I did not feel a significant change right away but as the flood gate had ben opened . So were my eyes to the world that could be an was about to be mine. Stripped clean perfectly made anew like a phoenix I rose from my own ashes. An simply burned the memories in my mind. Save only what I learned not to do again. I have begun the rest of my life. Don’t be sad . After all you have yours to live. As you’ve ben living it . I feel mines just beginning. Yet our paths are destined to cross again I’m sure.
L.C.

Coming full circle in a MOMENT yet again…

Tags

alone, copeing, depression, Emotions, fear, hurt, missing loved ones, mourning, PAIN

…… Breathe….  Just breathe… Ok. So I cannot sleep… No I don’t want to start that way again. It’s getting old. The two year mark is coming up too fast. Im starting to forget things.  It’s late . Yes I know. I’ve done my normal routine today. 1. Wake up. 2. Take caffeine pill. 3. Get ready for work. 4. Leave for work and stop to grab a frap on my way to work. 5. Get to work start my first shift …… Go on break. 6. Get home relax listen to music to drowned out the sound of the rest of the world bustling about the day. 7. Head back to work for my second shift…… 8. Get off work come home. 9. Shower 10. Eat. 11. Pick a movie . 12. Relax. 13. Get ready for bed. And here I am. My time. My time usually consists of me thinking rapidly. About the next weekend coming up or what I have to do the nextday at work or …. My past.  I have always been  more of a night person its really the only time I have where I can hear my own thoughts clearly. Not sure that’s a good thing at this moment but Meh….. Now back to where I started sorry for the detour. The two year mark iscoming up fast and I’m not surehow I’m dealing with that. I don’t think I have ever missed someone so much. It’s like living your whole life with both eyes and simply one day you wake up and you can only see out of one……. Wtf… Fml… Smack…. Ok. Insert tears here. I don’t know…. Smoke break. I don’t want to say I’m tired of feeling so alone and empty because the truth of The matter is I simply am not either of those things. I must stop overthinking things. I do belive that is one of my greatest flaws. I know this is the start of a rollercoaster of emotions . The next week or so will be one of many feelings I’m sure.. I wish I could just clear some of the clutter in my head. To the naked untrained eye I appear normal. That’s just a mask. I am seriously in a lot of pain…..not physical but tremendouse emotional pain……. And I don’t know how to get rid of it. I guess you could say I have Ben severely burned. You know when you put your hand on a hot pan your first reaction is to let go. I’ve tried letting go. I get a little further each time . There is always a setback its like two steps forward and one back….. There are so many things that I miss. But one great thing more than the rest that I will never see again. Only threw meditation dreams and memories. And that is my mother. The waters areclosing around me now .  Two songs play in my mind stevie nicks . If you ever did belive. And stevie nicks…. crystal. Just listen to them…..enough said.   I just wish there was a hand book or some kind of walkthrough . Pfffft couldnt get that lucky. Well. This is all for now its 2:18am  tomarrow is Saturday final day of work for this week. Where did I put my mask down at. Goddess grant me strength I know you are always with me. Blessed be.

It’s about that time again…

Tags

birthday, getting older, late night thoughts

Well. It’s about that time again. I can’t sleep cause my brain is racked. My birthday is coming up fast. Too fast if you ask me. I don’t feel as old as I’m turning. I feel way older. As the years go by and we grow up it just seems like time goes by much faster than in the younger years. It unexplainable. Each year that passes seems to be the same. V-day then my birthday. Then in the blink of an eye. A rememberance of one who’s passed then mothers day.  Then a moment of fun summer. Then shhhhhooooo. Samhain. Then poof yule.  I have heard many times life gets longer but for me it just seems to be getting shorter and quicker. Idk. Who knows these things. I’m not looking forward to v-day. Cept for the fact to be happy for couples I see. See the thing is I’m single and I’m not minding it so much as I used to. Simply because I have enough going on at this moment in my life without adding a complicated relationship on top of everything. NEXT! My birthday. I  love how every year people ask me what are you going to do for your birthday. Like its a major deal to them lol. I laugh because I  do the same thing every year. Work. It’s what I do best. Yes its the day I was born on but tis not much of a big deal. What I mean by that is i don’t need to take the day off just to celebrate my birthday. I simply will enjoy my time after a hard days work. Prolly tell myself happy birthday  eat something and head to bed only to wake up the next day and do it all over again only one number higher age wise that is. Besides birthday celebrating is a lil over rated to me I choose to spend my birthday  reflecting on where ive been an how far I have really came.  Rather than going out getting drunk like some of my friends. Well. That cleared some of the racket in my brain: pause……. Clears throat.   I think that will be all for tonight tomarrow is Friday and that means the day ager that will be  Saturday and then relaxation is mine.
Craven.

Finding love ?. Or Wat not.

Tags

finding love, Love, paths, positive thought, strength

Just a short note on love. We all search for it most of us find it. Some never know real intimate love. Others wish they had it. Tomarrow I will wake up and no longer look for love. I will let love find me in the many forms it may come to me as. I will be satisfied  with Wat I get. I love myself the journey I’m on the path I’m walking, the person that I am.I have myself. The one thing that I have always Ben is true to myself. I will forever more stay that way. If I never find a mate. I’m ok with that. But I belive all things that are good come with time. I have let go of the time I wasted with others. Taken back my life. Regained my full composer. Let go of all the cheating and wrong done to me. For I know I learned something from the experince. I learned I’m a fighter and that I am stronger than most think. You thought I wouldn’t last without you, but look I’m standing tall. You said I couldn’t breathe without you, you were indeed wrong. I pray to the gods and goddesses that you will always be happy. That one day you will find the place you call happiness with whom you see fit to share it with. I have completly moved on. Not to someone else but to myself.People say there is a match for everyone out there. I am great an unique. an for my match whoever you are and wherever you are. I am out here, we will find each other. If the planets have to align and the seas part our paths are written in the stars we are destined to cross paths eventually. Life is long for some and I’m in no rush. Goodnight.

New year fresh start.

Tags

bettering yourself, Life, new beginnings, new year resolutions, pagamism, reaching out, spiritual

So it is 2011, a new year has begun and already I’m working on myself.  I want to be all that I can. Like a lot of others I will save money. More than usually tho I’m planning a trip I cannot say where at this moment but its in the works .I’ve told myself that this year I will be more positive about all events that take place. I may not know what all this year has instore, but just as well I’m going to keep a positive outlook. The universe and all its energies are constantly around us and I belive if  you send out positive you will get back positive (mind the law of three) if you send out negative or have a negative Outlook, you mite as well put on your cement shoes and hold your breath. Now even tho I’m a water element I can’t breathe under water lol one can dream tho right. I know , I hear you lol don’t forget your swimtrunks! I’ve told myself this year I will push myself, harder than I’ve ever pushed, in matters that deal with my religion. I’m doing this to better myself.  I will stand up this year and take charge. I also am going to be doing a lot of elemental working. What I mean by that is reaching out to the elements I’m not so used to working with. I relize I will feel a little out there at times but I think it will be good to step out of my element and expand  my mind body and spirit. This year I will let go completly of past love relationships so as to move on with my life. I no longer wish to feel weighted down by the past mistakes. This year will be full of change for me. But as rivers are constantly flowing…. It is definatly time for a positive change backed with positive attitude and a Much more positive Outlook. I know this year will be great for me and everyone I know I feel it. That’s all for tonight. Gnite beatiful world. tomarrow will be a great day.

My brain simply will not shut down.

So my brain will not shut off tonight I just don’t understand i put crystals in my pillow said my nightly chants blew out the candles. Relaxed my body. Closed my eyes . Called for my cat. I simply cannot clear my thoughts. This seems to be a continues battle at least 2 to 3 times a month. I know I’m not the only one who has this problem  and I’m sure it frustrates others just as bad if not more. I do know I am not an insomniac cause it is random. Not on a daily basis.  ADD is bound to kick in here soon.

Now I realize sleep is a necessary thing to have in order to function at work or play what ever the occasion. Perhaps the reason I cannot sleep is that I relize that the holidays coming up are and more than likely will be a bit stressful. I’m still copeing with a few things. But I feel I have mostof that undercontrol. Like The Aunt says  letting go is one of the hardest parts. But as the year is coming to an end I feel bad for the pressure I have put on a lot of people within the past two years. I’m sorry. But know I greatly appreciated those who were there for me when I hadn’t the strength to stand nor even the strength to breathe. I ask but only one thing of the gods bless those, who were there for me  when I needed them, in the upcoming year. Give them strength like they gave me. Give them life like they gave me please….